Elizabeth Rhein-Religion and Doubt-Student's Choosing

Throughout my lifetime I’ve gone to a few Catholic church services, been a Protestant and then Lutheran, never exactly knowing why I chose to be so. The only thing I knew was that it was the church my parents went to. My Junior year in high school, I became extremely religious and went to every church and youth group function that I could go to, hoping to find the answer as to why I believed in God. I presented a sermon at our youth group service in hopes that it may help me understand God. I even took part in an interpretive dance about the seven deadly sins to the song “total eclipse of the heart.” I don’t think I’m ever going to do that again. Sadly enough, I never really found the answer. When I came to CNU, I hoped that after taking a class on the New Testament would change things around and strengthen my beliefs, but in fact, they worsened and I ended up writing a paper about how Jesus might have not actually been our savior instead of insisting that he was. After that class, I chose to become an agnostic rather than Lutheran. I’m still searching for the answer and I don’t think I’m ever going to find it. When we watched “The Seventh Seal” in class, the knight reminded me a lot about myself. I was looking for proof when there wasn’t any to find. I guess I’m just the type of person who can’t just believe without knowing the facts. I lack faith which is sad but it’s just the way I am. Interestingly enough, one of the students in my senior seminar class wrote his paper on doubt. I really liked his paper because I think that the reason why I can’t just put faith in God is because I doubt it too much and even though you can doubt everything, you can turn around and decide that you’re going to believe in that thing or not. I guess I just haven’t doubted it enough to come to a conclusion or maybe I will never even come to a conclusion. Even so, I feel that after having taken up my philosophy major I am more able to understand my feelings better than I was before coming here. I am very grateful for all of my experiences with religion and I love how there is so much more to uncover. I don’t think I’m a cynic and disbeliever, I just don’t know what I want to believe yet.